Inner Battles

"We are the middle children of history, with no purpose or place. We have no great war, or great depression. The great war is a spiritual war. The great depression is our lives." –Tyler Durden, Fight Club.

So, I was watching Fight Club with my friends the other night. It remains probably the most quotable movie of my generation. But I noticed something last night that I had not noticed previously. There is about a 5 minute stretch with humping sounds in the background. This was strange to me because I forgot about it. I remembered the brief sex scene, but not that. Which just reminds me how desensitized I became while looking at porn. Also, I was watching with a mixed crowd, which always makes such things more awkward, at least for me. But all that is mostly a side note. Here's the real deal: I increasingly wanted to get drunk and get in a fight. And I don't fight. Or drink.

So, after we stopped for the night, I went for a walk so I could think and pray. Not to calm down, because I wasn't mad. It felt like there were embers in my belly that needed just a little fuel to become a fire. And I needed that fire; I just didn't know what for. Here is what I learned:

I have always been afraid of a fight, but not simply because I am afraid to get hurt. I am 6'4" and about 285 pounds. Suffice it to say, I have always been big for my age. And I have, for as long as I can remember, been afraid to hurt others. It's strange, because I see that same fear in my friends' kids. They aren't worried about hurting kids bigger than themselves but they are for the smaller ones. And I am surrounded by those smaller than myself. What if I break them?

What that has resulted in is a subconscious desire to weaken myself so I would be easier to restrain. So I didn't drink or smoke or curse, I never made myself stronger, and I did everything I could to not be intimidating. And this is not the only reason I avoided things but the more I look at it the more I see it as the underlying reason. Now, I'm not saying any of this is evil or wrong, but what it is for me is refusing to grow because I don't want the added responsibility that being stronger would mean. Because what if I fail? What if I break someone?

Now, it's been a few weeks since that night and here are some things that have happened since then: I have been trying alcohol. I have sampled a few beers and a Crown Royal my brother got for me years ago and I tried a cigar. So far, they have not been to my taste. And if the end result is that I try these things and nothing is to my liking, I can live with that. If I stick with root beer instead of real beer, it won't be out of fear but preference. But here is what I did not expect, and that is that I am not as afraid of heights anymore. I was hanging out with my friends last Saturday and saw a ledge to jump off of that was probably ten feet off the ground. So I jumped it. And it was fun. I was walking over a bridge that was at least 30 feet off the ground and I looked over at the ground. And it was okay. And just in general, I am less afraid because I don't have to fear myself; I just have to trust God. Trust Him that He will keep me in check but also that He is actually bringing about all things for the good of those who love Him. And Lord, you know I love You, and I am so grateful that You love me and are teaching me to love You better and better. It's a good life. Let us press on.