Thursday, May 21, 2009

Seeing the Whole Board

I remember watching this episode of the West Wing (over which I will probably still get grief from my very conservative father; Dad, it didn't turn me into a liberal, I promise) and the president and Rob Lowe's character were playing chess. And Sheen kept reminding Lowe to look at the whole board. It has stayed with me because I like to think strategically. What action will lead to the greatest good for the most people. And by and large I do okay, unless I am under quite a bit of stress or I think I have seen the task I need to complete to finish my larger plan. Case in point: when I was a kid, 12 or so, I was playing against my cousin in a game of Connect Four. We were several rounds in and then I saw it, the series of moves I needed to make to win. So I went after it with reckless abandon, and very quickly lost. While I went with a slow, sneaky route to victory, my cousin, seeing my distraction, went for a more direct path. That surety of victory replaced with the reality of defeat has stayed with me over 15 years because it reminds me of just how focused I can become on whatever it is. Then I stop looking at the whole board. Kind of like this last week.

I was in quite a bit of a funk this last week, mostly on Tuesday and Wednesday but a little for the rest of the week and on into this one as well. I didn't really think about what might be the underlying cause. I had some trouble with lust on Tuesday and I just wouldn't let go of the guilt or shame. I wasn't accepting the grace of God, even though I know better than to reject it. It doesn't serve Him to beat myself up or help me to avoid failure in the future. It's pretty meaningless. But the funk remained. And it didn't come together for me until Wednesday night what was going on. Hank had a meeting with the elders of our church Wednesday night about the direction of the congregation and his vision for it. It was one of those meetings that could well determine the future of our church for the long term, as well as what tasks we have before us in the short term. And even with knowing that this meeting was going to happen, even with knowing what is at stake, it didn't occur to me that I might face spiritual oppression leading up to it. And not just me but our whole crew. I forget about the reality of spiritual warfare. I stop looking at the whole board.

I was listening to John Piper this last week ad he was talking about prayer. He used the analogy that prayer is like a war-time walkie-talkie. He went on to say that the reason we have so much trouble with prayer is that we use it as if it were an intercom to get the attention of our servant. This just makes sense for the Christian. The Christian longs for Heaven, to see Jesus face to face, no more pain, no more tears, just unending joy and fellowship. Yet we are still on Earth, and with that being the case there must be a good reason why God has not called us home yet. And that must be to serve Him, to share His love and His grace to a world that is dying. And we will need His power to do it. So prayer is us on Earth radioing into Home Base for new orders or back-up or a resupply. It's not us asking for things to make us comfortable but that which makes us combat ready.

Even though I remained oblivious to what is now very obviously a spiritual attack, I was useful, for which I praise God. Nor do I think missing such attacks would make one useless. The issue is that if you are a soldier and you start taking fire, if you ignore it you will get shot. And I took more than a few hits because of my lack of awareness. All of that is to say, Lord, teach me to be more observant and to pray more in whatever circumstances I find myself in. I need Your wisdom and Your power so I can fight well, so I can bring glory to Your Name. May Your Name be exalted in my life.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Inner Battles

"We are the middle children of history, with no purpose or place. We have no great war, or great depression. The great war is a spiritual war. The great depression is our lives." –Tyler Durden, Fight Club.

So, I was watching Fight Club with my friends the other night. It remains probably the most quotable movie of my generation. But I noticed something last night that I had not noticed previously. There is about a 5 minute stretch with humping sounds in the background. This was strange to me because I forgot about it. I remembered the brief sex scene, but not that. Which just reminds me how desensitized I became while looking at porn. Also, I was watching with a mixed crowd, which always makes such things more awkward, at least for me. But all that is mostly a side note. Here's the real deal: I increasingly wanted to get drunk and get in a fight. And I don't fight. Or drink.

So, after we stopped for the night, I went for a walk so I could think and pray. Not to calm down, because I wasn't mad. It felt like there were embers in my belly that needed just a little fuel to become a fire. And I needed that fire; I just didn't know what for. Here is what I learned:

I have always been afraid of a fight, but not simply because I am afraid to get hurt. I am 6'4" and about 285 pounds. Suffice it to say, I have always been big for my age. And I have, for as long as I can remember, been afraid to hurt others. It's strange, because I see that same fear in my friends' kids. They aren't worried about hurting kids bigger than themselves but they are for the smaller ones. And I am surrounded by those smaller than myself. What if I break them?

What that has resulted in is a subconscious desire to weaken myself so I would be easier to restrain. So I didn't drink or smoke or curse, I never made myself stronger, and I did everything I could to not be intimidating. And this is not the only reason I avoided things but the more I look at it the more I see it as the underlying reason. Now, I'm not saying any of this is evil or wrong, but what it is for me is refusing to grow because I don't want the added responsibility that being stronger would mean. Because what if I fail? What if I break someone?

Now, it's been a few weeks since that night and here are some things that have happened since then: I have been trying alcohol. I have sampled a few beers and a Crown Royal my brother got for me years ago and I tried a cigar. So far, they have not been to my taste. And if the end result is that I try these things and nothing is to my liking, I can live with that. If I stick with root beer instead of real beer, it won't be out of fear but preference. But here is what I did not expect, and that is that I am not as afraid of heights anymore. I was hanging out with my friends last Saturday and saw a ledge to jump off of that was probably ten feet off the ground. So I jumped it. And it was fun. I was walking over a bridge that was at least 30 feet off the ground and I looked over at the ground. And it was okay. And just in general, I am less afraid because I don't have to fear myself; I just have to trust God. Trust Him that He will keep me in check but also that He is actually bringing about all things for the good of those who love Him. And Lord, you know I love You, and I am so grateful that You love me and are teaching me to love You better and better. It's a good life. Let us press on.